Good Grief Blog

Conversations on Grief15 May 2010 01:21 am

Good Grief kicks off new center campaign at annual Town Hall meeting

http://www.nj.com/helpinghands/goodgrief/index.ssf/2010/05/good_grief_kicks_off_new_cente.html

The race for space continues as Good Grief’s waiting list continues to grow

Good Grief invited guests included volunteers, family members and supporters to hear about plans to open a new center and expand its programs and services. Robin Bogan, Esq.,Chair of Good Grief’s Board of Trustees announced the launch of a new center initiative to raise the money for a much needed expanded facility. “We are committed to raising $3,000,000 over the course of the next three years to move into a home of our own, expand programs to serve all the families in need and to secure the future of Good Grief. Bogan announced receipt of the first $50,000 gift for the new center initiative from the Thomas Glasser Foundation of Westfield, New Jersey, a philanthropic organization set up in memory of Thomas Glasser who was a victim of the 9/11 attack.”

Since September 2007 Good Grief, Inc. has provided peer support groups for close to 200 families coping with loss due to death. Attendance increased 128% in 2008 and 111% in 2009. Currently 80 families from over 60 towns travel every other week to attend Good Grief support groups. According to Marisa Bolognese, Good Grief’s Executive Director, “over 20,000 children annually lose a parent to death in New Jersey, so the need is enormous. A center of our own will allow us to serve more than 400 families per year and broaden our services to families coping with terminal illness.” Joe Primo, who runs the center’s programs adds, “Grief doesn’t wait. We now have 16 families on our waiting list. We must act now to ensure that we can continue to serve the incredible need in the community efficiently and with adequate resources so that each and every family can feel the support and compassion they deserve.”

“Finding you’re not alone is one of the many good things that comes out of attending a support group,” says President and Founder, Mary Robinson. “Seeing children and adults of all ages begins the process of normalizing their grief. The children tell their stories and express themselves through art, play and drama while teens and adults spend their time talking and sharing.”

The Greiner Family of Chatham has been attending Good Grief since it first opened. “We got lucky,” said Joe Greiner, “It has been a lifesaver for me and my two children. This peer support group has helped us tremendously with our coping skills and allowed us to work through our grief process (like no other type of help).” Joe joined with fellow Good Grief program attendee Cindy Clark in announcing a family fundraiser campaign. Cindy, who has attended Good Grief for 14 months added, “I would like to help give back so that other families can benefit from the program that helped me and my son Matthew.” Cindy urged other families to participate in events that inform and support GG and to join a committee and get involved.

“We look forward to seeing our support bring Good Grief’s dream alive — a vibrant and thriving year-round grief support center helping hundreds of families during one of the most difficult times in their lives – coping with the death of a parent or child,” commented Meg Glasser, a Thomas Glasser Foundation trustee. Added Dylan Glasser, “Our dad died before Good Grief existed. We want to see other children have a place to go where they can feel safe” Bogan affirmed, “It is not a question of whether there will be a new Good Grief Center, it’s just a question of when. The Good Grief Board is committed to making it a reality and the time is now.”

Conversations on Grief09 Apr 2010 12:27 am

There are blossoms after loss

http://www.nj.com/helpinghands/goodgrief/index.ssf/2010/04/there_are_blossoms_after_loss.html

Last fall Good Grief volunteers and families planted a Memory Tree during our annual Day of Remembrance, which is a time when our two hundred participants and many volunteers and alumni gather to remember those who died. The flowers on our Plum tree are blossoming during this April warm spell. In the spirit of all the trees blossoming, Good Grief participants have been drawing flowers and decorating each pedal with the ways in which they have blossomed or grown since experiencing the death of a loved one.

I realize that the activity is a bit clichéd with its metaphor, but the theme is an important one that is often overlooked, especially by the grieving themselves. Given all the responsibilities of a grieving parent or person and the often overwhelming feelings that can be experienced, it is easy to forget, ignore, or simply to be obtuse to the personal growth and perseverance that one experiences during those early months and years of rebuilding one’s life, identity, and relationships.

Death expects an exorbitant amount from the grieving. Nearly everything about one’s life can change when a partner or child dies. Existential questions are raised about “how” and “why,” often drastically interrupting someone’s sense of purpose and structure in the world. The loss of a parent or sibling, spouse or child, can be of earthquake proportions, leaving nothing but debris and sediment to be sorted through and rebuilt with very few tools.
Despite what death requires of the grieving, many people move forward with hope and challenge themselves to do things they have never done, and they evolve as a redefined individual in ways never imagined. Through the abundant hurtles and the often absurd expectations that are placed on us, whether it be to move on or to keep up, we continue to live and so many of us do so with immeasurable courage and audacity.

There are those aspects of our story that might force us to make a decision about forgiveness or estrangement, situations and decisions that we didn’t think we could handle or overcome. And yet, we find ways to bloom.

There are those aspects of our story that might be too hard to tell so we hold on to them until we are ready. And as we wait until we find the words to share, we find ways to bloom.

There are those aspects of our story that will never go away. We will hold onto those details, feelings, and grief all the days of our life. And despite the presence of pain, we find ways to bloom.

Reflecting on who we are today and how we came to this place can surprise us, allowing us to learn more about ourselves and see our courage and inner-strength to heal and continue loving and trusting. And in that reflection, we may come to see all the ways that we have bloomed.

Conversations on Grief30 Mar 2010 01:47 am

Good Grief’s Center Director elected to the board of the NAGC

http://www.nj.com/helpinghands/goodgrief/index.ssf/2010/03/good_griefs_center_director_el.html

Summit, NJ–Good Grief is an organization, serving grieving children and their families, that offers peer-support programs along with educational workshops and trainings to the community–serving hundreds of people each year. As a unique resource in the community, and the only one of its kind in Northern New Jersey, Good Grief serves as a safe haven for those grieving the death of a parent or sibling.

Good Grief’s Center Director, Joe Primo, was elected to serve on the Board of Directors of the National Alliance for Grieving Children (NAGC). The NAGC is the first organization of its kind to establish a clearinghouse for resources and information on children’s grief, and the first to create a partnership between all children’s bereavement centers and programs across the United States. “The partnership between the NAGC and its members has created a substantially stronger voice for grieving children throughout the country, while also opening the doors to a broader understanding of children’s grief in a society that is often uncomfortable and ill-prepared for supporting and understanding the grieving,” said Primo.

Joe Primo came into this work as an interfaith hospice chaplain at the Connecticut Hospice, which was the first hospice in the United States. Primo holds a Masters degree in end-of-life ethics and counseling from Yale University. He has been serving on the NAGC’s fundraising committee since the summer of 2009.

The President of the NAGC, Paul Golding said, “Joe joins a talented and dedicated group of volunteers who are doing tremendous work across the United States. Joe brings great passion and experience to the board from Good Grief, as a time when we are working to bring resources and awareness to hundreds of agencies, centers and programs around the country who work each day to support grieving children, teens, and families.”

This appointment will give Primo the opportunity to bring back the expertise practices on a national level and apply it in New Jersey–further advancing the initiatives of Good Grief. Good Grief has earned a reputation as the premiere to-to resource for those grieving and in need of a hands-on, interactive approach to healing. The organization is looking to expand its scope of work and outreach to include more NJ residents and to meet its current needs, including the 10 families that currently are on a waitlist to join Good Grief programs. Communities and individuals can help Good Grief and the families it serves by donating on-line at www.good-grief.org or by calling 908-522-1999 to attend a tour to learn more about the organization

Conversations on Grief26 Mar 2010 11:43 pm

Highway memorials provide comfort to the grieving

http://www.nj.com/helpinghands/goodgrief/index.ssf/2010/03/highway_memorials_provide_comf.html

Everyday on my way to work I pass a highway memorial just past the intersection of the NJ Turnpike and the Garden State. I’ve seen visitors tend to its plaque and synthetic flowers, and I’ve witnessed highway maintenance crews carefully keep the place clear of debris. Memorials become a place where the community can see and witness a family’s pain, and they become a place where the community of friends and family gather.
A mother recently told me about the memorial she built on Route 22, where her son crashed his car like so many other teens on that roadway. She shared how the police have closed the roadway to keep her safe, while providing her the opportunity to stand in that sacred place where her son died. It is a place where she goes to imagine the events and decisions that led to her early morning nightmare.

I’ve been asked on numerous occasions about roadside memorials and why families would visit a strip of tar when they could simply go to a grave or hold an urn. I’ve seen roadside memorials that are frequently visited for years, while others are left unattended following funeral arrangements. I think the reasons why someone would want a roadside memorial are personal and they meet a particular need of the bereaved.

Memorials address the fluid emotions during grief and become a place where the reality of a person’s death can be felt or experienced, perhaps as a result of seeing the skid marks or shattered glass or by reading the notes of other visitors.

I believe memorials at the place of death also engage the sacred or holy. I don’t use those words to have a religious connotation, but to capture the importance that “place” can play in one’s grief. At that place, where those skid marks end and the glass and rubber are strewn, something very big and important happened. There, almost with an “X” to mark the spot, is where the person we loved or knew left us. That is where the person’s life ended and where our grief began.

A lot of people gather at a crash site following a death and then re-gather at the funeral home, church, cemetery or a family home in the following days. However, in those early hours after an accident the place of death provides comfort or a narrative that helps with the digestion of the painful reality. Often times, the place of interment trumps the accident scene because a new place is made sacred to the family and friends, as they now have a new place of visitation or “ final rest.”

Often, a home where a person died in hospice care or suffered a heart attack or slipped down stairs becomes sacred to a family, making a home very hard to sell or even redecorate. The underlying theme is the sacredness and comfort some find in that space where life and death met. There are many religious, cultural, and familial traditions around death and the place of death. So people engage grief, rituals, and sacred space in very different ways.
The hospice where I once worked kept a rose on the bed where a person died for a full day to mark the significance of that place. While some people find comfort in acknowledging and delineating space, others much rather ignore it or do not see its significance.

Our interaction with space and the place where someone died is very much related to how we grieve and what we find helpful or necessary. The important thing for us to remember is that highway memorials and other expressions are important to the grieving and healing of many people. We can support these individuals by giving them the space to express themselves.

Conversations on Grief16 Jan 2010 04:56 am

Despite the horror in Haiti there is still hope

http://www.nj.com/helpinghands/goodgrief/index.ssf/2010/01/despite_the_horror_in_haiti_th.html

As the days continue to quickly pass since Tuesday’s earthquake, and the chances of finding more survivors dwindle, hope is still a persistent presence. Tragedies like this one, the earthquake in China last year, Katrina, and the tsunami, are a lot to comprehend. The Haitian earthquake raises all sorts of metaphysical questions about the how and why. For many, it raises the issue of the divine and challenges the notion of what is just.
What I have witnessed is a profound amount of suffering and accompanied by a profound amount of support. Streets are stained with the dead and yet people keep moving forward, searching for the trapped and eager to find aid for wounded family members and strangers. People from communities all over the world are gathering their resources to send aid to Haiti. “It’s shattered any record that we’ve seen with mobile giving before,” said the Red Cross’s social media manager to CNN.

Hope is in the coming together of people, affixed to the possibility that it could all fall apart, and yet present in the acknowledgment of the horror and the diligent work to rescue and send help. Those who survive this devastation will know that communities have worked quickly to prevent the chaos of illness and disease. That knowledge is empowering and healing during such wrenching grief.

However, hope dwindles as the questions behind how and why become increasingly hard to answer. It dwindles as resources become sparse and run out. Hope is empty when the rest of us move on with our lives and the media moves on to other stories. Often times, one of the greatest losses that accompany death and tragedy is the absence of on-going and consistent support. When someone dies or when a tragedy destroys a family or community so much kindness, love, and generosity are given. Many have called this the truest testament of human nature, describing the core of humanity as good and altruistic.

As the altruism fades and the rapid text donations dissipate there is a high risk of violence, instability, and destructive behaviors. The same is true on an individual basis and not limited to a communal loss. As we open our wallets and widen our hearts to hear the stories and feel empathy, we run the risk of quickly forgetting and negligently ignoring the Haitian’s reality once we feel the work is done.

I’ve heard so many people share that they suffer most when the influx of support goes away They say they feel abandoned and forgotten, making hope harder to obtain. As we think about what is ahead for Haiti, it is essential we remember that the grief and trauma of this nation is not a pinprick’s worth of pain. This agony will run deep, both emotionally and in regards to the nation’s infrastructure.

Some of the greatest heroes, people who will probably never be known, will be those who are still supporting the community 5 and 10 years from now. It is important we remember that the pain of Haiti’s past, present, and future is not foregone with a donation. This is a nation in need of support systems to sustain them in the many hard and lonely days ahead, days filled with grief and healed by the compassion and consistency that accompanies hope.

Conversations on Grief15 Dec 2009 05:47 am

After a loss, those days leading up to a holiday can be overwhelming

http://www.nj.com/helpinghands/goodgrief/index.ssf/2009/12/after_a_loss_those_days_leadin.html

By Joseph Primo
December 14, 2009, 6:33PM
The first holiday, birthday, or anniversary are described by many families as being a stressful and painful time. Sometimes, the anticipation alone causes a grieving person to worry more on those days leading up to the day than on the day itself. In those instances when a parent of young children have died, a surviving (and now single) parent finds him or herself balancing cumbersome traditions from past holidays, worrying about upsetting family members with “too much” talk about the person who died and meeting their children’s desires for familiarity or abundant amounts of gifts. Mom may no longer be around to help watch the kids while dad sneaks out to buy toys in the middle of the night, or dad may no longer be around to help cook a holiday meal or distract an overwhelming family member.

Those first holidays can be so frightening, not knowing what feelings will be felt or what to expect from other people. Some people, naturally, feel like all the demands and traditions of previous years have to be met this year, too.

I think it can be so hard telling people, maybe most difficult to tell children, that we just can’t do all that we would like to do–we’d love to, we want to, we wish we could–but we can’t. Sometimes the first holidays after a death, when everyone is still trying to get their footing, can be less anxious and overwhelming with a little bit of preparation.

The first holidays can be a very fragile time in a family’s relationship, but it can also lay the foundation for future celebrations and losses that won’t include the person who died. In other words, openness around the fact that the family dynamic has changed can alleviate some of the expectations about this year and the future holidays. No matter how much we try to replicate our past traditions, things are most likely going to look different, they are going to feel different, and they are going to be different. Accepting and embracing this fundamental change may very well alleviate the tension around keeping those old traditions going. However, if staying true to tradition is comforting and provides a space to mourn, then one should do what they need in order to meet their emotional needs. It’s also good to ask others what they are feeling.

Here are a few simple ways to get ready for the holidays:

Prepare for the holidays: Tell the family that things will look different and from this first holiday new traditions will be made.

Know your needs and how to have them met. This past fall my beloved grandfather died. True to the Sicilian tradition, we always had a huge, fish feast on Christmas Eve. This year, I opted out of this tradition because I don’t have the emotional energy for that type of festivity. My family has decided to do the same, comforted that I took the first step in saying “not this year, thanks.”

Perhaps the best new tradition is a mournful one. Think about incorporating ways to “remember” the person who died during the holiday. Perhaps it is cooking their favorite meal, adding an ornament to the tree, placing an extra candle on the table, or visiting a grave.

You don’t have to do this alone. Think about those family members and friends who listen to you, those who understand what you’re going through. Invite them to be with you, tell them what you need. Perhaps they can come by for dessert or listen on the phone. Of course, the holidays may also affect other family members who might react negatively to new traditions or not understand how you are feeling. Talk over your plans ahead of time, try to understand their emotions, and compromise if necessary.

You and your family can make it through the first holidays unscathed, and you will. Be gentle with yourself, tell others how you are feeling and what you need from them, accept that things will be different this year, and avoid adding any unnecessary stress during this already difficult time.

Conversations on Grief21 Mar 2009 12:03 am

Celebrities may or may not tell us anything about their grief or ours

http://www.nj.com/helpinghands/goodgrief/index.ssf/2009/03/celebrities_may_or_may_not_tel.html