Good Grief Blog

Conversations on Grief09 Jan 2008 07:03 am

Hope Chests and 2008

Hope has been getting a lot of attention recently. It has appeared in numerous political speeches, a hearty amount of New Years resolutions, and it is a prominent characteristic of the Good Grief vision. Last night the children at Good Grief turned ordinary paper bags into hope chests, decorating them with floral patterns, pirate themes and other colorful images. The children cut-out coins and other trinkets from construction paper and wrote their hopes for the future on the items they placed in the hope chest.

Even though we grieve we may still hope, and many of us have all sorts of hopes. Our hopes may be simple, like wanting life to return to a sense of “normalcy.” We may hope for peace in our lives, in our distressed family, or in our community. Some of our hopes may be really grand. When I was a hospice chaplain I regularly heard my patients tell me that they hoped for a miracle, a hope that they and their family would soon be better. I heard hope from families and friends who didn’t want the dying person to suffer or to die with unresolved anger. Hope can be complicated, and it can lead to further grief.

New Years can be a time when we get really creative with resolutions and hopes for the future, like wanting to “get over” our loss and “move on” with our lives. And if that big, hard nudge of a resolution doesn’t push us into the realms of liberation from our suffering we might feel like failures. I used to tell my patients that an ounce of realism healthily complements hope, but it’s probably not as good as simply being gentle and patient with oneself.

Conversations on Grief05 Dec 2007 08:39 pm

Anticipating Holidays, In-laws, and all those Expectations

Yesterday evening was the first night of Hanukah. For many of the families at Good Grief it was also the first night of Hanukah without the person who died. The “firsts” are described by many families as being the “worse.” Sometimes, anticipating the holidays can be more difficult than the holiday itself. Of course this is different for everyone.

Often times, though, the surviving (and now single) parent finds him/herself balancing cumbersome traditions from past holidays, worrying about upsetting family members with “too much” talk about the person who died, and meeting their children’s desires for familiarity or abundant amounts of gifts. Mom may no longer be around to help watch the kids while dad sneaks out to buy toys in the middle of the night, or dad may no longer be around to help cook a holiday meal or distract an overwhelming family member. Those first holidays can be so frightening, not knowing what to expect and feeling like all the demands of previous years have to be met this year, too. Last night a parent told me that she was having a real hard time with the holiday season. I responded, perhaps a bit too quickly, by saying “just take it slow and know that you don’t have to do it all.” She responded by pointing to her children and saying “yeah, but they want it all.” This reminded me of an important characteristic of Good Grief’s mission: communication.

I think it can be so hard telling people, maybe most difficult to tell our own children, that we just can’t do all that we would like to—we’d love to, we want to, we wish we could—but we can’t. Sometimes the first holidays after a death, when everyone is still trying to get their footing, can be less anxious and overwhelming with a little bit of preparation. The first holidays can be a very fragile time in a family’s relationship, but it can also lay the foundation for future celebrations and losses that won’t include the person who died. In other words, telling the kids, before the holidays arrive, that mommy can’t do it all without daddy is a way to alleviate some of the expectations while also mourning that something very big has happened to the present and future of the family. Most likely, things are going to look different, they are going to feel different, and they are going to be different. Some folks do their best to make the holidays feel like nothing has changed by keeping everything exactly the way it was. And as comforting as that can feel, life has changed and the changes won’t go unnoticed. Pushing yourself to do it all may make it very difficult to simply be with your children and love them, acknowledging that the holiday is both emotionally and physically hard. Prepare for the holidays: tell the children that things will look different and from this first holiday new traditions will be made.

Perhaps the best new tradition is a mournful one. We at Good Grief understand mourning to be a public expression of our loss. Think about ways to incorporate “remembering” the person who died during the holiday. Perhaps it is cooking their favorite meal, adding an ornament to the tree, placing an extra candle on the table, or visiting a grave. A few weeks ago, children in our peer-support groups painted dinner plates with the name of the person who died and decorated the Thanksgiving table with the plates the children created.

You don’t have to do this alone. Think about those family members and friends who listen to you, those who understand what you’re going through. Invite them to be with you, tell them what you need. Perhaps they can come-by for dessert or listen on the phone. Of course, the holidays may also affect other family members who might react negatively to new traditions or not understand how you are feeling. Talk over your plans ahead of time, try to understand their emotions, and compromise if necessary.

You and your family can make it through the first holidays unscathed, and you will. Be gentle with yourself, tell others how you are feeling and what you need from them, accept that things will be different this year, and avoid adding any unnecessary stress during this already difficult time.

If you know someone who has experienced the death of someone

Acknowledge the death: Not talking about the person who died or avoiding a bereaved family at this time because you’re afraid they might be fragile will only make the holidays harder for them.

Ask if you might help or listen: There are two types of healing, traditional and authentic. Sitting with someone and hearing their pain and worries without interrupting their story is authentic healing. Traditionally, Americans are inclined to make casseroles and clean-up a messy house. Well, a trustworthy babysitter or some help around the house might be much needed this holiday season, too. Ask, your concern shows you care.

Send a note to the children: Children are often called the forgotten grievers. Their teachers or friends might not be acknowledging that a family member has died—chances are the other kids are probably avoiding them. So yes, mom or dad definitely needs to know they can share their story with you, but so do the children.

Frequently Asked Questions06 Nov 2007 06:30 pm

How can I help my 12-year-old son. His grandfather died.

My son was very close with his grandfather who just died of cancer. We all lived together in a two-family house and my son helped care for his grandfather while he was in Hospice. He is having a really hard time. How can I help him?

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